Thankful

Yesterday I turned 38. I still struggle at times with the fact that I’m a real adult but clearly I’ve been adulting for a while now.
Thankful for the opportunity to make 38 a great year ☺️🙌
My day started with the gift that kept on giving – poop from Jelly (I swear she’s testing us to see if we really are keeping her sometimes) followed by ‘I’m sorry I pooped but still love me’ snuggles. I obliged. I got a billion texts, some emails, Instagram messages and of course a ton of Facebook wall posts. My sister took me to lunch and I bumped into more friends! It was a nice low key day. I still went to work but ended my evening with Chinese takeout, some knitting, more dog snuggles and a nice evening with my husband.

Birthdays are difficult for me. They’re an odd mix of happy and sadness . I’m happy to celebrate (cake!) but whenever someone asks me what I want I always want to say a hug from my Dad. I know, the thing I can’t have is what I want the most but it’s true. So instead I’ve been focusing on what I do have and that’s a lot. I’ve got a lot of love and support in my life and I’m encouraged daily to do the things that I love. I’m thankful that I’m still here and even though I can’t hug him I know he’s with me too. Here’s to 38 being a great year.

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Love, Loss & a Cardigan

comfort knitting a cardigan
Sometimes knitting is my crutch. I use it to zone out, to shift my focus, to deal with loss and pain. My father died in March and knitting helped me cope in ways I never imaged. The day after my father was placed in hospice care I went online and ordered myself several skeins of Madeline Tosh DK in neon peach. I splurged. I needed a distraction project and the Union Station cardigan was it.
Untitled
In the last weeks of my father’s life, knitting this cardigan was sometimes the only thing that kept me together. It calmed me when my heart ached overwhelming. It distracted me when friends came over to give their condolences. Instead of asking me how I was holding up (horribly), they’d ask what I was making or how and when I started knitting. It gave me an out when I didn’t want to talk at all.  Even wearing it brings me comfort. It’s so weird but it does.
Emerald Island
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with Father’s Day coming up. Everyone tells you that the first year after someone you love dies is the hardest. All the firsts hit you. Honestly, every day hits me. Every email about Father’s Day gifts, every Facebook post, tweet…they all make me miss my Dad so much. So I’ve been digging through my stash of yarn and am trying to cope the best way I know how – knitting. My Dad thought it was cool that I knit and loved my hats and blanket I made for him, so I’m just going to focus on doing something that makes it hurt a little less when I think of him. And maybe I’ll go to Ben’s Chili Bowl and have a half smoke in his honor on Father’s Day.