Love, Loss & a Cardigan

Sometimes knitting is my crutch. I use it to zone out, to shift my focus, to deal with loss and pain. My father died in March and knitting helped me cope in ways I never imaged. The day after my father was placed in hospice care I went online and ordered myself several skeins of Madeline Tosh DK in neon peach. I splurged. I needed a distraction project and the Union Station cardigan was it.

In the last weeks of my father’s life, knitting this cardigan was sometimes the only thing that kept me together. It calmed me when my heart ached overwhelming. It distracted me when friends came over to give their condolences. Instead of asking me how I was holding up (horribly), they’d ask what I was making or how and when I started knitting. It gave me an out when I didn’t want to talk at all.  Even wearing it brings me comfort. It’s so weird but it does.

I’ve been having a hard time dealing with Father’s Day coming up. Everyone tells you that the first year after someone you love dies is the hardest. All the firsts hit you. Honestly, every day hits me. Every email about Father’s Day gifts, every Facebook post, tweet…they all make me miss my Dad so much. So I’ve been digging through my stash of yarn and am trying to cope the best way I know how – knitting. My Dad thought it was cool that I knit and loved my hats and blanket I made for him, so I’m just going to focus on doing something that makes it hurt a little less when I think of him. And maybe I’ll go to Ben’s Chili Bowl and have a half smoke in his honor on Father’s Day.